Di pintu syurga

I caught myself looking at old pictures, that of my India trip and also family photos. At that moment, I knew that I was reminiscing on life before it got so busy and hectic. Talking to my parents helps big time, as they're the only ones caring enough to understand and support especially during times when the hecticness of my daily schedule took a serious toll on me. Thank you Mama and Papa.

I lost a patient today. Well, it was the baby of my patient. But still, the feeling of loss struck me hard. I was on on-call that night and was awakened by the distressed mother, from the looks of it she was in so much pain. Clearly, she was in labour as the contractions got often and there was already a cervical dilation of 2 cm. There was a serious glitch though. Her baby was upside down. Buttocks first. In medical terms, breech presentation. This is not good. We suspected fetal distress but there wasn't any as the heart rate was within normal range.

However, with this kind of fetal presentation came more risks, especially when her cervix was dilating fast; the baby was due to be born anytime soon. It was a few minutes after that we saw the baby's leg hanging from her mother's birth canal. The doctors were having major difficulties in delivering the the baby's head. And two minutes after, the baby was born.. barely alive, blue in colour and were pretty much in major distress. The paediatric doctor resuscitate the little one the best she could, but the baby stayed blue and lifeless. She (yes it's a girl), died soon after birth.

Of course i knew that the baby was long gone when the mother asked me. But i just couldn't say it. I was stitching her up while her husband was outside, being told of the horrible news. Thank god the doctor was there to break the bad news to her. Honestly speaking, i chickened out. I couldn't say it. It was my first time and things felt so real. Real feelings, real tears, real frustrations. I can learn more on how to do it (breaking bad news), but it's honestly too horrible at the time. My lidah kelu, seriously. She weeped and weeped while i was cleaning her up. My heart shrunk. I could only console her the best i can, which without a doubt, far from enough.

I suddenly realized the gravity of the situation. All the lessons we learned during pre-clinicals, yang dulu kita main acuh tak acuh je belajar gelak2 time tu, it really has an importance. And finally i see. Dulu jaguh interview, breaking bad news dengan skema dan berstruktur, but when you face the real situation, susah. Seriously. I will try to improve though. Life's not always peaches and cream kan. As for the mother, may you reunite with your precious baby at the gates of heaven, InsyaAllah.

Al-fatihah.