Be the change you want to see in this world.

are the words of Mahatma Ghandi.

I've been wondering how life will turn out for me if only, if only i've made a different decision sometime around October last year. I'd have more free time. For my studies, my friends, myself. Yes, i wonder about that constantly.

For some of you who know me, my batchmates maybe, you can see how busy i can be sometimes. Especially during that time of the year, when all the senior training, extra skills lab classes and also countless meetings. That time of the year when all the kiasu-ness in people will resurface, that time of the year when people are too consumed in that once-in-a-year skills exam.

Yes, i was too busy back then, and i can't say it didn't affect my life. My studies especially, are affected. From first year's straight A's and 4 flats, i became a mediocre student. My results dropped. I got B's instead of A's and the term "time management", ceased to exist in my dictionary.

What happened?

Well, of course it's my fault.

Now, one year has passed, and i can honestly say, i want it so badly for that once glorious period of my life as a medical student to re-appear. To be honest, i thought about the things that might caused this downfall, and maybe, just maybe, it had to do with my urm, extra responsibility?

Well maybe. maybe not.

Everyone's results relatively dropped in second year. At some times, no one even got an A. And my results dropped. Does it mean things are different for me?, expectations are different for me?, limits are higher for me?. My results "dropped" because i'm a skills lab assistant and theirs, didn't.

They told me, i should re-arrange my priorities and choose only one, not that their results are anything admirable. Some people can seriously just talk. They discouraged the juniors to apply to become the assistants, cakap it will affect their study. These people tak buat research punya. Cuba check other SK assistants nye results la! (not based on mine je) 4 flat up to this point since first year! Like tin kosong, nothing, but paling bising. Sorry, but i'm no kiasu.

Don't discourage others from going after greatness they are confident they can achieve, only because, you are so ordinary and "living the great life" you think is enough for you.

Yes, I blamed myself for being so relaxed during second year. I admit that i have bad time management, i could juggle both responsibility, if only i've done certain things differently. I could have eat healthier food, drink more water, take better care of my health to prevent me from being overly tired all the time, overly dehydrated. I could have done all those things. I know i can. And now i'm going to improve, with both responsibilities in my hands!

As a student and also a skills lab assistant who is "always busy all the time".

Be it i have to increase my study time, rest well, get better and healthier food to eat, and getting enough sleep at night to get back that A. I am going to do it because trust me, it sucks to be in the bottom and having to blame other activities as the fault of the downfall.

I am going to do both, simply because, I love sharing with the juniors and I love all the benefits that comes with it. It has made me realize the great things that has made a doctor, great. From observing his patient mangement, communication and empathy in a hollistic way. It has instilled some street-smart qualities in me, if not much (since people say i'm not so much of a book-smart person)

You can achieve anything you want in life when you have the mind and heart for it, InsyaAllah.

(even if it took me a year of shits to realize this)